I have a lot of imaginary best friends. Tina Fey, Penny Reid, Jennifer Weiner, Jon Stewart, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Gretchen Rubin’s sister, Elizabeth Craft. For the most part, people I am unlikely to meet in person.
I do have one local celebrity that I promoted to imaginary best friend status ages ago. A local morning show DJ named Mercedes. Chances are a bit higher that I’ll meet her someday and I will be saying “BE COOL” over and over in my head. I listen to the show whenever I can and I also listen to the podcast a lot.
On a recent morning, I was listening to the show and it was the producer’s birthday. They brought a sloth into the studio to meet him. My BFF, Mercedes, lost it. (Go to 4:30 in the video.) Yet another reason to seal our best friendship.
But, more importantly, I COULD MEET AND HOLD A SLOTH IN LAS VEGAS?
Our ninth anniversary was right around the corner. I had already asked for an exceptional present, which paid tribute to another of my BFFs, RBG. We usually go out to dinner to celebrate too, but A SLOTH.
I researched Roos-N-More and found out the important stuff. VIP meet and greet for the sloth was available the weekend after our anniversary. $100 for both of us. A bargain. Sold.
I told my husband and he was all, really? A sloth? I got out my persuasive lawyer skills and presented my case. (That is total BS. My case was basically IT’S A SLOTH, OMG, I HAVE TO MEET A SLOTH, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.)
Tickets were booked. The countdown was on.
On sloth day, I carefully dried my hair, drew on eyebrows and put on pants without an elastic waist. I needed the sloth to know he was special.
We drove for an hour to Roos-N-More in Moapa. We checked in, got our assigned sloth time and then spent the next hour and fifteen minutes checking out the rest of the zoo.
I got to:
- Meet and pet an armadillo (leprosy-free, I assume)
- Talk to a toucan
- Tickle a lemur’s armpit (which is close to where their nipples are located, so my husband says I need to rephrase this to “felt up a lemur.”)
- Feed a carrot to a camel
- Learn that a zedonk is a thing
- Get freaked out by a bird that still looked a little too much like a dinosaur (For real, this thing was one step away from a pterodactyl.)
- Meet some sort of exotic raccoon thing that sniffed my leg
- Talk to a capybara at length
Then, it was sloth time.
If the opportunity presents itself, you need to get sloth cuddles.
Best. Anniversary. Gift. Ever.
I probably don’t need to even say this, but Velcro and I are best friends now too. And we’ve actually met, so IT’S REAL.
Oh, and if you want to know what my husband got for his gift, here it is. (The ninth anniversary is traditionally pottery. I say a sloth theme is better.) Because we’re super romantic.