This is how my trips to Costco normally go.
Turn into shopping center parking lot. Get to traffic circle. Almost die. Turn into parking lot. Almost die getting a space. Walk to store, a la Frogger. Almost die repeatedly. Shop. Almost get attacked near every sample station when I just want to turn the corner. Finish shopping. Get into world’s longest line. Spend tiny fortune. Approach exit. Almost collide with 19 people who aren’t watching where they are going. Select wrong line for the person who highlights my receipt. Stand for an extremely long time for something that seems unnecessary. (If I was going to steal, would I put it back in the cart??) Re-enter death trap parking lot.
Today’s trip to Costco.
Drive through parking lot and find a good spot with no death attempts. Only have three near death experiences in parking lot. (An all-time low.) Get cart with ease. Feel joyous and buy knives to reward self for oddly safe journey into the store. Shop. No near death experiences near the sample stations. (Although, no organic chicken today. Let’s hope this isn’t a trend.) Feel uneasy because things are going too smoothly. Approach registers. Enter a line with NO ONE IN IT. Gentleman with a SWEET handlebar mustache calls me Beautiful at the end of transaction. (While he was being polite since I am dressed like a hobo, enjoy the courtesy.) Come within expected budget. Select correct line and watch other people look exasperated with the slow highlighter lady. Return to car with no attempts on life. Exit the parking lot and traffic circle. All green lights on the way to the highway. All green lights when exit the highway.
After loading the stuff into the kitchen, think that this has gone too smoothly and there will be karmic retribution. Or that I have possibly exhausted any stored good karma.
Clean old-ish food out of the fridge and freezer. Need new trash bag. Attempt to pull trash bag from box. It Won’t.Come.Out. Pull harder. No bag. Pull really hard. Bag releases and excess force causes me to punch myself in the lip. Lip hurts. Lip immediately begins to swell. Call husband to tell him absurdity of current situation. Be lovingly mocked.
That, my friends, is karma.