Today, I had plans for the release of What's Up Down There?: Questions You'd Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend
(Don't click there to look inside. I lifted that image off of Amazon. You won't see inside if you click.)
I went to Borders. Here's how I planned to do things:
Me: (find youngest teen boy clerk possible) Can you please tell how I can find What's Up Down There? (Making a circle gesture around my lady parts.)
Clerk: Uh…. [Blushing]
Me: [Loudly] It's a book about VAGINAS. The author wanted to call it Coochie Confidential, but her publishers said no.
Clerk: Uh…. here it is. [Racing away.]
Here's what happened.
Enter store.
While switching from sunglasses to regular glasses, almost walk into display of new David Sedaris book. Pick up copy and ponder. Select for purchase. Begin scanning for proper clerk to torment.
Walk to next display. DAMMIT. There is Lissa's book. Right in front of me. Now, I can't ask where the book is if I am standing in front of it. That's just plain mean. (Although I considered it anyway.) So I picked up a copy. Then I considered buying all three copies so that I could tell them that they were all out of the book on VAGINAS. But I am in my own personal recession, so I didn't.
I am super excited to read this even though my plan didn't work out the way I wanted it to. I will give you a full review when I am done with the book. Go buy your copy now and we can book club together and get Lissa onto the NYT bestsellers list. (Do not disobey me. You know how pissed that makes me.) If you could follow my script for the clerk whenever possible, I would be pleased.
[Dad, I'm sorry for my use of the word Vagina in this post. My review of this book is going to be worse. I suggest you skip it. We're just not there.]
[Spell check has informed me that the plural of vagina is vaginae. I like vaginas better and I am purposefully disregarding this rule of grammar. Like everyone who refuses to put the damn period inside of the quotation marks.]
[I am truly afraid to see the sort of searches that are going to be directed to my website when the word vagina/coochie appears on the same page as Lacey Schwimmer. Won't people be disappointed?]
Related posts:
Hehehehehehe. I want to get the book now that you’ve amused me with your alternate book buying universe.
“Vaginea” is just wrongness. I’m not saying it and I’m giving anyone who uses it a side eye.
Thank you sweetie for blogging about my book! And you’ll just have to harass the clerk at some other Borders. It’s a brilliant plan. I suggest you bring your three prettiest friends along with you when you do it. And make sure they say “vagina” REALLY LOUD. Oh- and bring a camera. Take photos! Then reassure the poor clerk that it’s okay if his penis feels confused and that just because we love vaginas doesn’t mean we don’t also appreciate his junk.
For added effect, give him a hug as you walk away.
Oh yeah, baby.
Vagina vagina vagina
Lissa
Yes, please give me a review of the book when you are done reading it.
I am currently dealing with a vaginal issue [I will share more details privately] But let’s just say that I never even knew it was possible to get/have this kind of an issue – and it would have been nice to be informed!